Remember Who you Are!
Here I am again dealing with the same issue over and over and over again. I'm either overeating or I'm starving myself. What is the deal? Why can I not break free from this?
Ever since I was little I have struggled with my body image. I've weighed 225lbs and I've weighed 136 lbs. I am 5'8". So if you look up BMI for a 5'8" female you will see that I've been Obese and I've been Normal. I can weigh up to 164 lbs and still be considered in a normal weight range for my height, that is not even throwing in my age.
Last Spring I was on a weight loss challenge at work. I started at 155 and lost down to 136.8. I haven't weighed 136lbs ever in my life that I can recall. I was too thin! I was super saggy and super bony. When I looked in the mirror all I could see was my age in my reflection in the mirror. You would think finally getting to a weight on the scale that I've never seen before at 5'8" I would have been ecstatic about my body image. Well, I wasn't. As soon as the weight loss challenge was over, I immediately went back to eating junk and a lot of it. I ate sweets like I hadn't ate in months! I started to gain weight. I gained a little bit at a time until I was back up to 145. I was pretty content at 145 but knew that I needed to stop eating all this junk otherwise I'd be right back to square one and summer was just around the corner and I had 3 trips out of town planned in June and you know how it is when you go on vacation!! Matter of fact, one of those trips was going to be to Culinary School! Yikes!!!
So, the summer is now over and what were the results.
Trip number one was to NYC. I ate pretty unhealthy to say the least. A bunch of snack stuff on the drive to NYC, pizza almost every night, garlic knots, candy bars, chips, fried food, etc. My only saving grace on this trip for my weight is that I got a bad stomach virus our last night there. Needless to say, I got rid of most of it! I still weighed 145...whew!
Trip number two was to Culinary School. I thought for sure I'd be able to hold it together on this trip. What was I thinking? What is so disappointing about this trip is that the food I cooked while I was there was healthy. But my choices at the buffet were not. I chose too much food and too much sweets. Got home and gained almost four pounds. I weighed 148.8...dang it!
Trip number three was a FCCLA trip to Atlanta. I was already determined to not overeat on this trip and basically make myself miserable in the process. I went to the fitness center everyday. Went to a pizza place, nice restaurants, etc and chose to pick the healthiest things on the menu, like salads, baked fish, etc. Got home and gained a pound on the scale. I weighed 149.8. I was FURIOUS!!! (Lets not even notice or pay attention to the fact that my BMI is still in the NORMAL range)
So I come back to school at the beginning of August and decided that I was going to take control! I was going to start to journal my food intake again, weigh once a week and see where it got me. I got on the scale on August 16th and I weigh 154 lbs. Right back to where I started in January. Not pleased, but it is okay because I'm in control again. I've got this!
I weigh the second week and I weigh 152.6. Whew, everything is good. I can keep this weight off and I'll be happy at 152. So the next week I decide that I'm just going to eat what I want but not overindulge so maybe I can stop using food as a crutch. I weigh week three and I'm still at 152.6, I'm happy, life is good. Eating healthy during the week, pigging out on the weekend but keeping my weight the same. This is a good place to be! Week four, September 6th, I get on the scale and weigh 154.6. I've gained two pounds! Needless to say I go into a terrible depression over my body image.
It is literally a crazy cycle in my life. I'm either depriving myself to get to a certain weight or certain look in the mirror or I'm stuffing myself uncontrollably with food trying to fill a gap in my life. Then when I get to the weight I think will make me happy I look in the mirror and find something to complain about. Or when I stuff myself uncontrollably with food, when I'm done with the bag of chips, guilt immediately begins to settle in and that voice resounds in my head, "What were you thinking? You know that is unhealthy for you! You know that will make you gain weight!" And what's really bad about it is that I KNOW before I go to the pantry that I SHOULDN'T eat the way I'm about to but I DO IT ANYWAY!!!! KNOWING full well that it will not satisfy my hunger, it will not breed the results I'm looking for. But the same thing goes for when I'm stepping on the scale. When I step on the scale and it goes down, sure I'm happy but it doesn't last very long. It only lasts until the next time I step on the scale or overeat, then I immediately start downing myself again.
Crazy cycle, crazy cycle, crazy cycle. I'm so tired of being on this crazy cycle!!!
So, what is the answer? How do I get off of this hamster wheel? Lord, please, please, please help me!!!
I go back to my journal entry and prayer on the morning of September 6th before I even got on the scale and it reads, "Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for the good news of Jesus Christ and what he did for me on the cross. I praise you that because of him I will never be thirsty again. It's like living loved...some days I forget that I'm loved by the king of all kings! Some days I forget that you are my satisfaction, that you've given me all that I need and I will NEVER be thirsty again. Help me REMEMBER these truths today Father....please show me today where I'm trying to fill up my water jar with things of this world!" (See my last blog here about living water.)
September 7th I prayed, "It's crazy how quickly I fail to REMEMBER the truths you've shown me...you know me Lord, you created me, lead me into your divine design for me, teach me, help me to HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!"
I was asking God, what would you have me eat, weigh, etc. I googled what the bible says about food and came across an interesting concept on allaboutgod.com A few things that I jotted down that stood out to me:
-Set aside my natural preferences and social practices in order to love others 1 Corinth. 8:1-13
-If my choice of diet makes me proud, I am hurting not only others but I damage my own relationship with God. Romans 14:3
-I turn God's gifts (of food) into an expression of selfishness OR a means of personal suffering.
Ouch! All of these statements hit me hard! I cannot even begin to tell you how food and my own body image has gotten in the way of loving others. I've been proud, I've been judgmental, not just of others but of myself!
September 11th I prayed, "I praise you for filling my water jar. Have me REMEMBER who I am today. I am your daughter. I am the woman who has touched the hem or your robe. My water jar is full and left behind at your feet. You have given me all I need, you are my shepherd. Sin has lost its control over me. I have what it takes because you live within me.
September 12th I prayed, I need your love forgiveness and counsel. I cannot seem to make it through a day without turning to some sort of food for comfort. Even though I know that's what I'm about to do before I do it...I ask that you help me meditate on truth. I think that meditation is the key to a lot of my issues. I FORGET your truths so easily.
September 13th, I have never felt so attacked spiritually about food in my life!!! I had an eye appointment and got my eyes dialated. I've been trying to read scripture in the afternoons instead of turning to food. I'm trying to turn to Christ and his living water (again, read my last blog). I can't see and it is 5:00pm in the afternoon. We went grocery shopping, picked up Popeye's fried chicken on the way home and bought some candy corn from Walmart. I overindulged yet again. Fried breast, fried thigh, cole-slaw, mashed potatoes, biscuit, two handfuls of candy corn. Laid down on the couch to watch t.v. and felt so strongly to get up and go to the pantry that I was angry inside. Made it about an hour got up and got the bag of chips and spinach dip and went to town. THEN had ice cream.....
So what happens when I wake up on September 14th? You got it! CONDEMNATION before I could even plant my feet on the ground! I am so mad at myself! I am so frustrated! I turn to my Gracious, Forgiving Heavenly Father yet again in prayer, "Beautiful, lovely, beautiful bride! What my husband said about me this morning before he left for work. So, why don't I believe those words? Here I am again journaling about food and my identity and my self-image. I'm under attack. The arrows are coming fast! Where is the balance Lord? Have you shown me and I'm missing it? Lord, what do you want for me? PEACE! I do not want to be conformed by this world. Sometimes I feel like it is too late in some ares of my life like body image. What do you say about my body? "The Lords Temple" I guess I am still under the mindset that it is my body not yours. I know I don't treat it like it is your house that is for sure! I live my life based on my preferences. I'll eat this if I feel fat, I'll allow myself this if I can keep my weight under control. I know that my motives are all wrong. I need to change my mind set but if I do I don't know how it doesn't seem like I have the strength to accomplish it. I'm either super controlling, judgemental, strickt or the opposite, who cares, love everyone, have fun, relax. Help me Lord, again! Forgive me yet again! Please fill in the gaps, please Lord!
And Mufasa says, "Remember who you are." This phrase and this movie clip has been on my mind for at least the past three weeks so I decide I'm going to look it up. Click here to watch it for yourself. I hope you can read between the lines. God, was speaking directly to me in this clip. Is he speaking to you?
Boy oh boy! "You are my daughter, you need to take your place in the world. You are above what the world has to offer because I live in you!" As I am sobbing because I know that Jesus just told me who I am I also remember that there is a song from the Lion King. Click on the link and see how God is most definitely in the details of your life because He lives in me and He lives in you!
Those lyrics, "There is no mountain too great, hear these words and have faith. He lives in me, He lives in you, He watches over, everything we see. Into the water, into the truth, in your reflection, He lives in you."
Is this truth? Do you believe it? Is this what the word says? YES! Read Romans Chapter 8 for yourself!
8:1 No condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.
8:3 Sin has no control over you.
8:9 You are controlled by the Spirit
8:10 and Christ LIVES WITHIN YOU. So even though YOUR BODY WILL DIE because of sin, the SPIRIT gives you LIFE because you have been made right with God!
8:11 The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, LIVES IN YOU! And just as God raised Jesus from the dead he will give LIFE to your mortal bodies by THIS SAME SPIRIT LIVING WITHIN YOU!
I praise the Lord for his unfailing love, for his forgiveness but today I praise the Lord specifically for being in the details of my life and for speaking truth to me about who I am because I have forgotten that truth, that he is in my reflection because he lives in me. Just remember who you are because he lives in you!
The goal shouldn't be to stay thin, the goal should be to remain in Him!
Ever since I was little I have struggled with my body image. I've weighed 225lbs and I've weighed 136 lbs. I am 5'8". So if you look up BMI for a 5'8" female you will see that I've been Obese and I've been Normal. I can weigh up to 164 lbs and still be considered in a normal weight range for my height, that is not even throwing in my age.
Last Spring I was on a weight loss challenge at work. I started at 155 and lost down to 136.8. I haven't weighed 136lbs ever in my life that I can recall. I was too thin! I was super saggy and super bony. When I looked in the mirror all I could see was my age in my reflection in the mirror. You would think finally getting to a weight on the scale that I've never seen before at 5'8" I would have been ecstatic about my body image. Well, I wasn't. As soon as the weight loss challenge was over, I immediately went back to eating junk and a lot of it. I ate sweets like I hadn't ate in months! I started to gain weight. I gained a little bit at a time until I was back up to 145. I was pretty content at 145 but knew that I needed to stop eating all this junk otherwise I'd be right back to square one and summer was just around the corner and I had 3 trips out of town planned in June and you know how it is when you go on vacation!! Matter of fact, one of those trips was going to be to Culinary School! Yikes!!!
So, the summer is now over and what were the results.
Trip number one was to NYC. I ate pretty unhealthy to say the least. A bunch of snack stuff on the drive to NYC, pizza almost every night, garlic knots, candy bars, chips, fried food, etc. My only saving grace on this trip for my weight is that I got a bad stomach virus our last night there. Needless to say, I got rid of most of it! I still weighed 145...whew!
Trip number two was to Culinary School. I thought for sure I'd be able to hold it together on this trip. What was I thinking? What is so disappointing about this trip is that the food I cooked while I was there was healthy. But my choices at the buffet were not. I chose too much food and too much sweets. Got home and gained almost four pounds. I weighed 148.8...dang it!
Trip number three was a FCCLA trip to Atlanta. I was already determined to not overeat on this trip and basically make myself miserable in the process. I went to the fitness center everyday. Went to a pizza place, nice restaurants, etc and chose to pick the healthiest things on the menu, like salads, baked fish, etc. Got home and gained a pound on the scale. I weighed 149.8. I was FURIOUS!!! (Lets not even notice or pay attention to the fact that my BMI is still in the NORMAL range)
So I come back to school at the beginning of August and decided that I was going to take control! I was going to start to journal my food intake again, weigh once a week and see where it got me. I got on the scale on August 16th and I weigh 154 lbs. Right back to where I started in January. Not pleased, but it is okay because I'm in control again. I've got this!
I weigh the second week and I weigh 152.6. Whew, everything is good. I can keep this weight off and I'll be happy at 152. So the next week I decide that I'm just going to eat what I want but not overindulge so maybe I can stop using food as a crutch. I weigh week three and I'm still at 152.6, I'm happy, life is good. Eating healthy during the week, pigging out on the weekend but keeping my weight the same. This is a good place to be! Week four, September 6th, I get on the scale and weigh 154.6. I've gained two pounds! Needless to say I go into a terrible depression over my body image.
It is literally a crazy cycle in my life. I'm either depriving myself to get to a certain weight or certain look in the mirror or I'm stuffing myself uncontrollably with food trying to fill a gap in my life. Then when I get to the weight I think will make me happy I look in the mirror and find something to complain about. Or when I stuff myself uncontrollably with food, when I'm done with the bag of chips, guilt immediately begins to settle in and that voice resounds in my head, "What were you thinking? You know that is unhealthy for you! You know that will make you gain weight!" And what's really bad about it is that I KNOW before I go to the pantry that I SHOULDN'T eat the way I'm about to but I DO IT ANYWAY!!!! KNOWING full well that it will not satisfy my hunger, it will not breed the results I'm looking for. But the same thing goes for when I'm stepping on the scale. When I step on the scale and it goes down, sure I'm happy but it doesn't last very long. It only lasts until the next time I step on the scale or overeat, then I immediately start downing myself again.
Crazy cycle, crazy cycle, crazy cycle. I'm so tired of being on this crazy cycle!!!
So, what is the answer? How do I get off of this hamster wheel? Lord, please, please, please help me!!!
I go back to my journal entry and prayer on the morning of September 6th before I even got on the scale and it reads, "Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for the good news of Jesus Christ and what he did for me on the cross. I praise you that because of him I will never be thirsty again. It's like living loved...some days I forget that I'm loved by the king of all kings! Some days I forget that you are my satisfaction, that you've given me all that I need and I will NEVER be thirsty again. Help me REMEMBER these truths today Father....please show me today where I'm trying to fill up my water jar with things of this world!" (See my last blog here about living water.)
September 7th I prayed, "It's crazy how quickly I fail to REMEMBER the truths you've shown me...you know me Lord, you created me, lead me into your divine design for me, teach me, help me to HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!"
I was asking God, what would you have me eat, weigh, etc. I googled what the bible says about food and came across an interesting concept on allaboutgod.com A few things that I jotted down that stood out to me:
-Set aside my natural preferences and social practices in order to love others 1 Corinth. 8:1-13
-If my choice of diet makes me proud, I am hurting not only others but I damage my own relationship with God. Romans 14:3
-I turn God's gifts (of food) into an expression of selfishness OR a means of personal suffering.
Ouch! All of these statements hit me hard! I cannot even begin to tell you how food and my own body image has gotten in the way of loving others. I've been proud, I've been judgmental, not just of others but of myself!
September 11th I prayed, "I praise you for filling my water jar. Have me REMEMBER who I am today. I am your daughter. I am the woman who has touched the hem or your robe. My water jar is full and left behind at your feet. You have given me all I need, you are my shepherd. Sin has lost its control over me. I have what it takes because you live within me.
September 12th I prayed, I need your love forgiveness and counsel. I cannot seem to make it through a day without turning to some sort of food for comfort. Even though I know that's what I'm about to do before I do it...I ask that you help me meditate on truth. I think that meditation is the key to a lot of my issues. I FORGET your truths so easily.
September 13th, I have never felt so attacked spiritually about food in my life!!! I had an eye appointment and got my eyes dialated. I've been trying to read scripture in the afternoons instead of turning to food. I'm trying to turn to Christ and his living water (again, read my last blog). I can't see and it is 5:00pm in the afternoon. We went grocery shopping, picked up Popeye's fried chicken on the way home and bought some candy corn from Walmart. I overindulged yet again. Fried breast, fried thigh, cole-slaw, mashed potatoes, biscuit, two handfuls of candy corn. Laid down on the couch to watch t.v. and felt so strongly to get up and go to the pantry that I was angry inside. Made it about an hour got up and got the bag of chips and spinach dip and went to town. THEN had ice cream.....
So what happens when I wake up on September 14th? You got it! CONDEMNATION before I could even plant my feet on the ground! I am so mad at myself! I am so frustrated! I turn to my Gracious, Forgiving Heavenly Father yet again in prayer, "Beautiful, lovely, beautiful bride! What my husband said about me this morning before he left for work. So, why don't I believe those words? Here I am again journaling about food and my identity and my self-image. I'm under attack. The arrows are coming fast! Where is the balance Lord? Have you shown me and I'm missing it? Lord, what do you want for me? PEACE! I do not want to be conformed by this world. Sometimes I feel like it is too late in some ares of my life like body image. What do you say about my body? "The Lords Temple" I guess I am still under the mindset that it is my body not yours. I know I don't treat it like it is your house that is for sure! I live my life based on my preferences. I'll eat this if I feel fat, I'll allow myself this if I can keep my weight under control. I know that my motives are all wrong. I need to change my mind set but if I do I don't know how it doesn't seem like I have the strength to accomplish it. I'm either super controlling, judgemental, strickt or the opposite, who cares, love everyone, have fun, relax. Help me Lord, again! Forgive me yet again! Please fill in the gaps, please Lord!
And Mufasa says, "Remember who you are." This phrase and this movie clip has been on my mind for at least the past three weeks so I decide I'm going to look it up. Click here to watch it for yourself. I hope you can read between the lines. God, was speaking directly to me in this clip. Is he speaking to you?
Boy oh boy! "You are my daughter, you need to take your place in the world. You are above what the world has to offer because I live in you!" As I am sobbing because I know that Jesus just told me who I am I also remember that there is a song from the Lion King. Click on the link and see how God is most definitely in the details of your life because He lives in me and He lives in you!
Those lyrics, "There is no mountain too great, hear these words and have faith. He lives in me, He lives in you, He watches over, everything we see. Into the water, into the truth, in your reflection, He lives in you."
Is this truth? Do you believe it? Is this what the word says? YES! Read Romans Chapter 8 for yourself!
8:1 No condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.
8:3 Sin has no control over you.
8:9 You are controlled by the Spirit
8:10 and Christ LIVES WITHIN YOU. So even though YOUR BODY WILL DIE because of sin, the SPIRIT gives you LIFE because you have been made right with God!
8:11 The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, LIVES IN YOU! And just as God raised Jesus from the dead he will give LIFE to your mortal bodies by THIS SAME SPIRIT LIVING WITHIN YOU!
I praise the Lord for his unfailing love, for his forgiveness but today I praise the Lord specifically for being in the details of my life and for speaking truth to me about who I am because I have forgotten that truth, that he is in my reflection because he lives in me. Just remember who you are because he lives in you!
The goal shouldn't be to stay thin, the goal should be to remain in Him!
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